


Long Ago and Far Away

by MsImpala67



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, M/M, Pining, Porn with Feelings, Slow Burn, Switching, non-au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-07-17 07:04:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16090517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsImpala67/pseuds/MsImpala67
Summary: Supernatural is over. Jensen didn’t mean for it to end badly, but hey, that was really Jared’s fault, wasn’t it? But Jensen’s getting over it. He can still enjoy the show, can still do conventions and enjoy the fans without Jared by his side. Until Jared shows up, drops right back into his life as if Jensen asked him to. Will things be different between them this time?





	1. Chapter 1

Jensen will never get used to crowds.

It's  not that he's ungrateful for all the fans that still show up two years  after Supernatural's final episode. He loves his life, the opportunity  he's been given, the fandom he had a hand in building. And he's  eternally thankful for the privileges the show has given him.

It's  just that he's too private a person to feel comfortable sitting on a  panel, answering questions, everyone's attention completely focused on  him. He can feel them all analyzing his answers, putting every word on  social media- it makes him anxious. There's nowhere to hide, nowhere to  take a breath that isn't recorded for the world to see. It drains him.

It  didn't always. There was a time when he could handle all of this. But  things were different then, weren't they? He wasn't alone on the stage.

That  thought barges right in when he least needs it in his brain, and he  sinks in on himself, instinctively starts to shut down. But that's not  an option right now, and the cheers of the crowd pull him out of it. He  slaps on a smile as he heads out on stage.

“Hey,  y'all,” he says into the microphone, half-smirking as he purposely  drawls the words a little stronger than necessary. He waits a few  seconds for the audience to settle down, goes through the usual _hi,  thanks so much for coming to hang out with me today_. He can barely see  the crowd for the bright lights shining in his face, but that's actually  a comfort to him in these first few moments, when he's trying to find  his bearings.

“Alright, y'all got some questions for me?”

He  turns to the side of the stage. The lights aren't as bad there, and he  can see a young girl in a plaid shirt standing at the microphone. Her  voice shakes a little when she speaks, and Jensen keeps his smile as  reassuring as possible as he waits for her question.

“Hi, Jensen. I'm Emily.”

“Hey, Emily.”

“I just wanted to know if there were any monsters or mythical creatures we didn't see on the show that you wish we had?”

He  breathes a quick sigh of relief that the first question is a question  about the show and not something personal. He can talk about the show  all day, and it puts him at ease, gets him in the right frame of mind.  As he talks, he relaxes and starts to enjoy himself.

The  next few questions are similarly harmless and entertaining, allowing  Jensen to have a good time as his social anxiety fades into the  background enough that he can joke and play genuinely. He doesn't have  to rely on his game face to get through it.

And  this is the part he really loves. He loves hearing how other people see  the show, loves discussing ideas and what ifs. It helps keep Dean  Winchester alive for him, despite not getting to play him anymore. He  loves knowing that there are still people who care about the show like  he does. That it isn't forgotten.

The  panel goes quickly, a few questions allowing him to make dirty jokes,  one about music, and the rest about the show. There's only time for a  couple more, and he's surprised to find he's a little disappointed by  that.

“Hi,” he says, turning toward the microphone that's next. A woman about his age steps up and waves.

“Hi!”  she says, a little too loudly. “I just wanted to know if we'll see you  and Jared at a con together any time soon? It's been forever!”

Jensen  freezes. His whole body goes cold, then in the next moment, flushes  hot. It's a totally innocent question, one he's surprised he doesn't get  all the time. Of course, the questions are vetted first, and Jensen has  made it clear he doesn't want to talk about Jared, so maybe they do get  asked all the time, they just never make it to him. However this woman  got through, she clearly doesn't mean to say anything hurtful, so he  fights the urge to snap at her. She's not the one he's angry at, not the  one who's absent from the con, after all.

“Uh.”  He tries to pull himself together both to give her an answer and to  hide the fact that he's panicking. “We, uh, we have very different  schedules now, and it's hard for us to coordinate. Since we don't do  Creation cons anymore, and the cons we go to are general sci-fi, we  never know where we'll be.”

It's  not a real answer, but she nods and thanks him anyway. Jensen considers  taking one more question, but the “we” still on his tongue is too much,  and he's suddenly desperate to get off the stage.

“Well, thank you guys so much, but I think we're out of time. I appreciate all of your questions. Thank you.”

As everyone claps, he thanks them again and waves, hoping they don't think the abrupt ending to the panel was rude.

“I'm  sorry,” his handler says. She meets him at the end of the stage and  takes his microphone, switches it off, then follows him to the side door  leading to the green room. “That question shouldn't have-”

“It's  okay.” He stops and smiles at her, lets his voice come back up to a  normal pitch instead of a rough growl. “That wasn't your fault.”

She nods, still looking like she thinks he's going to fire her any second. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, thanks.”

She  stands there another moment, shifting her weight like she's trying to  decide whether she wants to apologize again. Eventually, she turns and  leaves without saying anything.

The  green room is quiet, with only a few people crowded around a table,  chatting while they eat. Jensen doesn't recognize them. He sits down on  the other side of the room and pulls out his phone.

He  has several emails waiting to be answered, and a couple of texts, but  he can't focus on them. It's all he can do to take a few deep breaths  and try to calm his nerves.

It's  not that he doesn't think about Jared. Because of course he does. It's  just that he usually thinks about him late at night, in the privacy of  his own bed, where he can let his emotions out if he wants to, where it  doesn't matter what expression his face makes. It's dangerous to think  about Jared in the daylight, where people can see. And he certainly  can't talk about him in front of a crowd.

The  truth is that Jensen and Jared haven't really spoken since the show  ended. There was some final press after the last episode aired, but they  were already giving each other the silent treatment by that time. It  was all smiles for the cameras, and that was it. Neither of them had  minded going their separate ways.

Of  course, it didn't take long after that for the immediate anger to fade, and  it left Jensen devastated, broken and hurt. He'd called off public  appearances for an entire year, claiming that he wanted to spend some  time alone after the show, which was only a half-lie.

Now  that he's back, especially now that he's doing the convention circuit,  he can't just explain everything. It hurts too much. He laughs ruefully to himself at the  thought of a fan asking specifically why he and Jared are never seen  together anymore.

_“Well,  we were secretly fucking the last three years of the show, and when I  told him I was in love with him, he slept with someone else.”_

To  be fair, Jensen has no proof Jared actually cheated. And it technically  wouldn't have been cheating anyway. But he's certain enough to be angry  about it. And regardless, Jared told him that they shouldn't be  together, and that was all Jensen needed to know.

Shaking  his head, Jensen tries to clear his mind and focus his thoughts. He  still has photo ops and autographs, and the fans of the show deserve him  at his best, not in the mood he's in now.

But now that Jared's in his head, he won't leave.

The  music in the photo op room isn't loud enough, Jared isn't there  laughing and teasing, and the energy feels low. It's not like it used to  be. Jensen usually likes that, takes comfort in that. He's more low key  anyway, and everything being different made it hurt less. He doesn't  think he could take it if things were exactly like they used to be, just  without Jared.

But today, it makes him ache.

All because of one stupid question.

By  the time he makes it to his hotel room that night, he's emotionally  exhausted. He drops down on his bed and put his hands over his face,  lets his body sink into the soft mattress and wishes he could disappear.

Instead of disappearing, he sits up and calls room service.

He orders a steak and a bottle of whiskey.

While  he waits, he does the stupid thing, the thing he only does when he's  feeling as bad as he is now and knows he needs to wallow a little to get  over it. He digs through the folders in his phone until he finds old  pictures. Pictures where he looks happy with Jared. Pictures of the two  of them with their arms around each other as they clink beer bottles  together. Pictures of the two of them at concerts. Pictures of the two  of them playing pranks on set. And one picture of them kissing, a selfie  Jared had taken and sent to him, where Jensen has his eyes open,  looking at Jared like he's in love.

He'll wake up in the morning hung over, but feeling better. Like the sunrise can burn away all the feelings of tonight.

But it's going to be a long time until then.


	2. Chapter 2

It's a couple of days before Jensen gets out of his bad mood, but once he's back in his own apartment, life quickly goes back to normal. It's hard to dwell on the past in Los Angeles. It doesn't slow down, and there's very little sentimentality in the expensive cars and designer clothes. 

The city is a little shallow for Jensen's taste, but that's what he was looking for when he decided to move. There's no Vancouver or Texas to be found in the meaningless parties and networking. He doesn't have to be safe here and watch where he goes to avoid certain people or memories. It gives him a fresh start every single day.

The weekend after he gets back, he's feeling pretty good. He puts on a casual suit and runs some product through his hair, then checks the address on the party invitation. A few of his buddies have convinced him to go, telling him that a bunch of Important People are going to be there, and he could end up with his next job by the end of the night, if he plays his cards right. Worth a shot. And he wouldn't mind a few drinks with his friends. 

He pulls up to a typical LA house, large and secluded even in its own gated community, made to look sleek and modern. He hands his keys to the valet, then heads inside, where he's greeted by several servers carrying trays of food that's much too healthy to be enjoyable. He takes a glass of champagne and scans the room, looking for a familiar face. 

"Jensen Ackles!" A woman about ten years his senior grabs his arm, leaning forward a little to show off her cleavage. "I didn't know you'd be here. What are you working on these days?"

Jensen smiles, unable to place her or decide if they've even met before tonight. "Right now, I'm working on this glass of champagne."

She laughs, much too loud and high-pitched for such a lame joke. "Right! No work talk tonight!"

She squeezes his arm and walks to the next tuxedo, same fake charm oozing off her. Jensen shakes his head and walks around the perimeter of the room. 

It's huge, almost a ballroom, with clean lines and industrial-style chandeliers giving everything a crisp yet cozy feel. A buffet of food is at the center, much more appetizing than whatever is on the trays the staff is carrying, but no one's there. Who eats in Los Angeles? The champagne tower and bar setup in the far corner has drawn a crowd, however, and the laughter tinkles just like the glasses. 

So much beauty here, so much shiny and plastic happiness. It actually has its charms if you look closely, if you ignore the cliches and find the uniqueness in it all. Jensen's found a few things here that are real- his work being one of them. He took a few theater jobs at first, just for the hell of it, for the rush of performing live for an audience. He took two movie roles, neither of them the lead, just to ease into the scene. But maybe he's ready now for something more. 

Which is why he needs to get to the office. Every party like this has an office, some grand and spacious room where everyone smokes cigars or drinks kale smoothies, whichever's fashionable that week. That's where business deals are made, where auditions are handed out. That's where Jensen belongs tonight. 

He assumes that he can ask one of the wait staff. They know everything. But before he can, he's bombarded by a very upset-looking Patrick. 

"You made it." Jensen's friend doesn't look excited by that fact. 

"I told you I would," Jensen says. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Patrick says, clearly agitated. "Just, I promise, I had no idea. Don't be mad."

Jensen frowns. "No idea about what?"

The crowd seems to part at exactly that moment, and Jensen can see all the way across the room, a clear path to a man standing by himself. A man that's too tall and has a mess of brown hair hanging almost to his shoulders now. 

And he's staring at Jensen. 

This is a joke. It has to be. The universe is playing with him, torturing him for some unknown reason. 

But it isn't a joke when Jared keeps staring, then starts making his way over.

Without a word to Patrick, Jensen moves, quick as lightning. He ducks down one hallway, then another, then into the first door he comes to, closing it behind him. 

He leans his forehead against the door and breathes, in and out, two times, then three. When he feels like he has it together, he turns and looks at the room he's chosen as his hide out. It's a den of some kind, with comfortable couches and a huge television. Probably a theater room.

He sits down on the closest couch, head in hands for only a moment before the door opens and Jared walks in. 

Jensen freezes. 

"Hey." Jared sounds the same, a voice Jensen still knows as well as his own. 

Anger melts his frozen nerves. " _Hey_?" he scoffs. 

Jared holds up his hands defensively. "Just a greeting."

"I came in here to avoid you."

"I figured"

"So you followed me?"

"Yes."

Jensen looks up in disbelief, then chuckles a little as he rolls his eyes. 

Jared's lips twitch like he wants to smile, and his voice is sincere when he asks "Can I stay for a minute? I'd really like to talk to you."

"About what?"

"About how you've been. What you've been up to. It's been a long time since we've talked, you know."

"I remember," Jensen says quietly. 

It feels different from what Jensen imagined. Whenever he's let himself picture this moment, Jared's usually inconsolable, begging for forgiveness. And Jensen's usually hurt and angry, saying all the hateful things he's now had time to perfect. Sometimes, he's just indifferent, totally moved on. 

But Jared isn't begging, and Jensen isn't angry. If anything, he wants to talk, wants to know how Jared's doing. He didn't expect to feel mostly okay about seeing Jared again, and it throws him off.

Sure, it hurts. And seeing Jared in the flesh makes the hurt fresh all over again. But there's a distance there now, space for Jensen to breathe. Time does that, he guesses. 

"So...how have you been?"

"Fine." Jensen doesn't elaborate. "You?"

Jared snorts a laugh. "Fine? That's it?"

"I've been fine," Jensen nods, looking up to meet Jared's eyes. "I moved here. Did you...are you living in LA now, too?"

Jared shakes his head and sits down, as far away from Jensen as the couch will allow. "Nah. Too sunny. I live in Washington now."

"Washington?" Jensen can't hide the surprise in his voice. It's so unlike Jared, so different from the lifestyle he used to live. 

Then again, Jared's probably thinking the same thing about him and Los Angeles. Maybe Jared needed a change, too. 

"Yeah. It's gorgeous there."

"You working?" Jensen sticks to the safe topics, things that aren't overly personal.

"Not really, just doing conventions mostly. But you know that."

And there it is. The thing they still have in common, the show that will always connect them no matter how much distance they put between themselves. Just the thought of it sends Jensen back, opens a floodgate that washes him straight to a time when they wouldn't be sitting so far apart on the couch, when there wouldn't be an awkward caution to all of their words. 

A time when they were happy.

"Yeah, I know that my manager keeps up with your schedule so we don't end up in the same place." 

The words come out harsh, and Jared looks away, closing his eyes for a moment. "Don't do that."

His voice sounds so small and sincere, and Jensen doesn't want to fight, not really. What's the point now, after all this time?

"Sorry," he mutters.

"You know, I wouldn't say no to doing a panel together sometime. It would stop you from getting those questions."

Jensen raises his eyebrows. "How did you-"

"Youtube. My manager sent it to me. She means well, but she's a little aggressive about you. Thinks if we did some stuff together, we'd get a second career, you know? 'Course, she doesn't understand."

Jensen doesn't say anything. He should say no, should get out of this room and back to the life he's rebuilt after Jared tore it down. 

But he can't. Whether time has healed him or he's just an idiot is anyone's guess. He wants to at least finish the conversation, and he'll sort through his feeling on the matter later 

That doesn't mean he wants to say yes, though. So he simply changes the subject. "What are you doing at this party?"

"The truth? That video of the con got me thinking about you, and when I got the invite, I thought you might be here, too."

"So you came just to talk to me?"

Jared smiles, painfully familiar warmth from his beautiful face, making Jensen's heart beat faster. "Yeah, I wanted to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago."

"What's that?"

"You and I always agreed to keep things casual between us. We weren't a couple."

Jensen frowns, heart sinking now. "I know."

"And if I had slept with someone else, you would have no right to be mad."

Jensen stays silent this time, ready for the pain to shatter over him again. He doesn't want to know. All this time, there was a tiny bit of hope that he meant something more to Jared. He doesn't want to know that he didn't. 

"But Jensen, in all out time together, no matter how casual, I never touched anyone else. Never once. Never even thought about it."

He stands up suddenly, leaving Jensen unsure of what to say as his emotions switch directions on their roller coaster. 

"I just wanted you to know that. And I'd love to have lunch sometime and really catch up. My number's the same."

There's a pause, but only a short one, before Jared tells him to have a good night and heads for the door.

Jensen stays on the couch, staring blankly at the empty room, unable to form a coherent thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read up to part 7 RIGHT NOW, you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen's been staring at his phone all day.

He's  barely slept, but he isn't tired. He can't be, not with the way his  mind is racing. Last night is long gone, but he still feels like he's  there, like he's sitting on that couch with Jared.

Jared really was there, wasn't he? That wasn't a dream.

Jensen  remembers every word, every breath, every emotion, too stark and  piercing to be anything other than reality. He remembers Jared's last  words before he left, that he'd never touched anyone else when he was  with Jensen.

Jensen  also remembers putting all of that out of his mind, having a couple of  drinks, and talking up the producers of a new television show. Jensen's  been following its development, and it's an interesting idea with a lead  character that would be different from anything he's ever played  before. Despite his quiet nature and tendency to shy away from being the  center of attention, he's good at networking, at playing the game. It  didn't take long to get himself an audition, and after the conversation,  he feels good about his chances.

It  wasn't until after the party, once he got back to his apartment and  closed the door behind him, that he let himself think about Jared.

And he's been sitting on his couch thinking about it for hours now.

Eventually,  the sun came up and he got up for some coffee and breakfast, and then  he got up again when he realized it was well past lunchtime, but that's  it. The rest of his time has been spent thinking. Jensen's had time to  go back over every second of the past he's tried so hard to leave  behind. Only this time, he's analyzing instead of pining. Each night  they spent together, every time they crept away to one of their  trailers, every late night texting session that always ended in dirty  videos- he sees it all in a different light now. Every smile of Jared's,  every little cheap gift or weekend getaway looks different now.

All  that time, Jensen had felt more for Jared than Jared felt for him.  Jared wanted to keep things casual for lots of valid reasons, and Jensen  had been weak enough to go along with whatever he could get.

But  now, after Jared's confession, Jensen starts to wonder if that was  really the case. Maybe Jared had felt more for him than he realized.

Knowing it's a mistake, Jensen opens up his text messages and writes a new one.

If  he ends up hurt again, so be it. But he never has had the strength to  resist Jared, and he apparently isn't going to gain that strength now.  He owes it to himself and to the memory of what they used to have to get  the truth.

But he doesn't send the text.

Instead,  he finds himself showering and picking out an outfit. Before he can  talk himself out of it, he's at the hotel he knows Jared will be staying  at. It was their favorite hotel in Los Angeles when they were working  and traveling together, and he knows that he'll find Jared there. Jensen  is lucky that the woman at the front desk recognizes him, and it only  takes a little coaxing to get the right room number.

Jared  looks shocked when he opens the door. It helps, actually. Jensen feels  for a moment like he's got the upper hand, like he isn't potentially  ruining anything by being here.

“You really didn't sleep with anyone else?”

It's not the most appropriate greeting, but this isn't exactly a conventional situation.

Jared  doesn't seem anymore surprised by the question than he already is just  by Jensen's presence, and he shakes his head no. “No one. I know that  you heard some rumors about me and Aiden once he joined the crew, but  that's all they were. He was a little younger than us, and he liked to  flirt, and he enjoyed the attention when people questioned him about it.  But nothing happened. Nothing except him trying to make something out  of nothing. You know how that goes.”

Jensen  does. There have been plenty of people who wished for something, even  flat out lied about something happening with Jensen that wasn't.  Sometimes it was for ego, sometimes it was for professional gain,  sometimes it was just for the hell of it.

And  Jared's telling the truth. Jensen has no reason to believe he isn't.  Jared has never lied to him before, and Jensen can see in those hazel  eyes that he isn't lying now.

Jensen feels like an idiot.

His  panic over Aiden is what ended their arrangement. It's what started the  whole downhill slide of their last year together, what essentially left  bad blood between them after every amazing thing they'd shared.

And  if Jensen had only asked then, had only told Jared what was bothering  him and let Jared clear it up then...what could have happened?

The regret bubbles up in him, bitter and strong, and settles behind his eyes, ready to be cried out.

Jensen swallows hard, takes a moment to collect himself, then says the only thing he can think of.

“Then...do you want to go get something to eat?”

If  Jared thinks that this is all too weird or too random, he doesn't  mention it. Jensen waits just a couple of minutes while Jared puts on  shoes and a jacket, and then they head out into the city. A cab takes  them to a small sushi restaurant, mostly empty since it's between lunch  and dinner, and they sit at a small table in the back.

Jared  orders water instead of alcohol, so Jensen does the same, then stares  quietly at the menu as he tries to decide what to say.

It's  Jared who breaks the ice. “I guess you talked to the producers of that  new show...about a firefighter, right? And he finds out his wife is  leaving him and their daughter?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah, that's the show. I'm auditioning.”

He  doesn't say more. It's a rule to never talk about jobs you don't have  yet, especially to people you don't trust. And Jensen isn't sure if he's  allowed to just slip back into the time when they were real friends.

“That'll be good,” Jared nods. “You'd be good in something like that.”

“I think it's got a lot of potential,” Jensen says. “A lot of emotion in the script that's floating around.”

“Why are we here?”

Jared's question is as abrupt as Jensen's invitation, and he smiles a little in spite of himself.

“I don't really know.”

Jared smiles back. “I figured. Look, can we just...”

“Eat sushi and see where it goes?”

“Yeah.”

“I'd  like that. And who knows. Maybe we can do it again in a few months. It  wouldn't be the worst thing to see you every now and then.”

If Jared has anything to say to that, he keeps it to himself.

The server comes to take their order, and they end up with four small dishes to split between them.

“Do  you remember,” Jensen asks, “the time we had sushi in...was it New  York? And we didn't read the serving sizes and ended up getting three  party trays?”

Jared laughs. “We had to call up everyone we knew in the city to come help us eat it so it wouldn't go to waste.”

“It turned out to be a pretty good party.”

“It did. When was that...four or five years ago? We were there for some awards, weren't we?”

Jensen  honestly doesn't remember. Some things blur together in his mind, are  lost to the whirlwind that was Supernatural. He remembers the important  things, though. He remembers that it was around the time they started  fooling around, and that they went back to the hotel afterward and  showered together, one of the first times they slept in the same bed  after they had sex.

But  that's all in the past now. Jensen clears his throat and changes the  subject. “So, are you working on anything new? Surely you aren't here  just to come to one party I was going to.”

Jared  shrugs. “I'm honestly not too into acting these days. If the right  project came along, I'd consider it, but I'm telling you, being lost in  the Washington forest is pretty fantastic.”

“It  looks good on you.” Jensen doesn't mean anything more than what he  said, because it's the truth. Jared's hair is longer, his skin is  golden, and he has a crisp feel around him, like October air clinging to  his soft flannel shirt. He could have just come in from chopping wood,  cheeks flushed with fresh air. It suits him.

Jared grins. “You look good, too. A little more polished than I remember, though.”

Jensen laughs. “Los Angeles will do that to you. I'd kill for a real bacon cheeseburger.”

“Careful, your Dean is showing.”

The words are so casual, so natural and normal, and they slice right through Jensen.

There's just so much of himself tied up in Jared. He forgot.

They  manage to chat through lunch without hitting on any topics that are too  personal, and there's a lot of laughter. It's easy and fun, and it  feels good, if a little sad. There's an air of politeness about  everything they say, because they really aren't sure how well they know  each other anymore.

When  they leave, Jared decides to walk back to the hotel, and Jensen decides  to join him and grab a cab back to his apartment once they get there.

It's  a quiet walk. Jensen's feeling a little exposed now in the evening  sunlight, like maybe he just opened himself up and shouldn't have. Will  Jared even bother to keep in touch with him?

Does it matter?

At  the very least, Jensen got an answer to his question about Jared, and  it was the answer he wanted. And this whole pleasant afternoon has given  him a kind of closure he'd been missing. So maybe he should just  appreciate the bittersweet goodbye and count his blessings.

But  when they get back to the hotel, Jared is still uncharacteristically  quiet, and doesn't say much as Jensen winds the conversation down.

“Well, I guess I'd better...”

Jared leans forward then. “Wait. Before you go. I just...”

“What  is it?” Jensen waits patiently, knowing that sometimes Jared just needs  a moment to find the exact words he wants to use. And when Jared takes  the time to think that hard about something, it's usually important.

Only  Jared doesn't say anything. Instead, he leans even closer, stopping  only an inch or two away from Jensen's face to give him a chance to pull  away.

He doesn't.

And then Jared kisses him. Just once. Soft and sweet, lingering just a little like he wants more.

It's  not like any other kiss they've shared. Their kisses were always about  sex, always hot and needy and leading to something more.

This one was all Jared and his emotions, all careful and nervous, like they've just been on a first date.

When he holds his hand out, Jensen takes it and lets himself be led to Jared's room.

This isn't falling back into the same situation he was in, and it isn't unhealthy wallowing in things he can't have.

This is something brand new. Some territory they haven't been in before.

And Jensen needs to see what it's all about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read up to part 9 RIGHT NOW, you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79


	4. Chapter 4

Jared's  hotel room is nice and comfortable, somehow spacious and cozy at the  same time, almost like a small apartment instead of a hotel room. Jensen  remembers the soft lighting and warm colors from his own stays in this  hotel, but that feels like another time. This room, with Jared in it,  feels like a beginning, like the start of something.

Jensen doesn't know what to make of that. This might be a dangerous idea. He might get his heart broken again.

But  Jared's looking at him with those hazel eyes, more emotion in them than  Jensen's seen before, and he doesn't care if he does end up  heartbroken. He wants the rest of this night, even if it's all he's  allowed.

“You, uh. You want something to drink?” Jared asks.

“Sure.”

“Water? Soda? Or something stronger?”

Jensen shrugs. “Whatever you're having.”

Jared  opens the mini-refrigerator and hesitates only a second before pulling  out two bottles of water. He tosses one to Jensen, who easily catches it  without taking his eyes off of Jared. It's such a practiced,  instinctual gesture that they both smile.

“I missed you.”

Jared says the words quietly, but they roar in Jensen's ears like he's shouted.

Jensen decides that if they're going to do this, they're going to do it right.

“Did  you? Because you never called.” There's no anger in Jensen's voice,  because he truly doesn't feel any. Not right now. It's hard to hold onto  the anger with Jared in front of him, especially after their kiss. He's  simply after some clarity.

“I know. You didn't either.”

“Because  I thought...” Jensen realizes how foolish this sounds. Like he's a  teenager who has no idea how relationships work. “I thought you didn't  want me to. I didn't want to be clingy. And I was hurt.”

Jared frowns and takes a drink of his water before crossing the small kitchenette area to stand in front of him.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...there was a lot we should have talked about back then. A lot I should have said.”

Jensen searches his face. “And a lot we shouldn't have done?”

“No!”  Jared sets down his water and leans forward like he wants to touch  Jensen, then holds himself back. “No. I don't...do _you_ wish we hadn't  been together?”

“We   _weren't_ together,” Jensen says, feeling a surge of relief and power at  finally saying it, at confronting the things he's never been brave  enough to talk about. “We were just sleeping together. And when you  realized I wanted more, you cut it off. It ended the whole fucking show,  Jared.”

“I  know what happened,” Jared says, a tiny bit of anger in his tone, but  he takes a breath and calms it away. “I didn't mean to hurt you. But  you're right. I realized you wanted more and it scared the shit out of  me.”

“You  thought I couldn't handle you not returning my feelings? I'm not a  child. We could have worked through it and stayed friends. But you...” A  new thought strikes him. “Did you make me think you slept with Aiden on  purpose?”

“No,” Jared sighs, “but I didn't discourage the rumors. And it wasn't that I thought you couldn't handle it.”

“Then what was it?”

“ _I_ couldn't handle it.”

“Handle what?” Jensen's head is starting to spin.

“Being in love with you.”

The  spinning stops and everything goes still around him. He plays the last  few seconds over in his mind to make sure he heard correctly, that he  isn't making it up.

“Wh-what?”

Jared  continues to look him in the eye, holds the gaze like he can see inside  of Jensen's mind. “I was in love with you. And I was scared of it, and I  didn't know how it would affect the show, and I knew I was going to  fuck it up the way I had every other relationship I've been in. So I  just shut it all down.”

“We were sleeping together. And I fell in love with you. And you. You broke it off because you were in love with me, too?”

Jared nods.

Jensen laughs.

He  doesn't mean to, but his body responds to the ridiculous shock of the  conversation with deep, loud rumbles of laughter that build until he's  shaking with them, holding onto the small counter. Jared watches him for  a moment, then gives a soft laugh himself, the sides of his mouth  turning up in the sweet way Jensen remembers so well.

“That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard,” Jensen laughs, trying to breathe through his words.

“I know,” Jared says, shaking his head at himself and snorting one more laugh. “But you know me.”

“I  do,” Jensen says, the laughter dying down. “I just...I guess it's just  different when you're the one involved. I was too busy second guessing  myself to think about _you_ being scared.”

“And then we had that huge fight, and you stopped talking to me...”

“And we ended the show.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, the show probably needed to end. It was a long time to be on air.”

“Sure, but. I wish it hadn't ended us. I missed you.”

It's  not enough. There's nothing that can give them back the time they lost,  that can take away the pain Jensen's been through. It will always be  there, and he'll always know what it's like to exist in a world where  Jared doesn't want him. It's a lot to rebuild.

He kisses Jared anyway.

It's  another slow, sweet kiss like they've never shared before. This time,  neither of them ends it. They stand there for ages, only lips touching  at first, then eventually hands, wandering over arms and chests and  waists. Jared tastes like Jensen remembers, and the rhythm of their kiss  falls back to years ago, easy and fun in dark trailers or in empty  convention green rooms.

Even  as it takes Jensen back to that time, he can feel the difference. He  can feel the distance between them, all the time not accounted for, all  the memories they have now that don't include each other. He can also  feel Jared in a way he never has before. Jared isn't holding back.  There's no careful physical expertise to distract from the emotions, no  wall between them to remind Jensen that it's nothing more than sex.

This time, it's just Jared. All of Jared. Open and honest and willing.

Tears  form in Jensen's closed eyes, one escaping and trailing down his face.  He pulls away when he tastes the salt of it between their lips.

Jared laces their fingers together. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just. Is this actually happening?”

Jared  pulls away and walks over to the couch, gestures for Jensen to join  him. “Apparently so. It's not something I saw coming either.”

“I should go.”

Jared frowns, his eyes a little frightened. “What?”

Jensen forces himself to lean back. “If I stay, we'll...and that's not a good idea. I should go, and we should talk tomorrow.”

Jared  grins, a little sadness at the edges. “You could stay. I know we can't  have sex, you're right. That's not a good idea. But I don't want you to  leave yet.”

It's embarrassing how quickly Jensen agrees, how much he wants Jared to want him to stay.

“So let's just talk.”

And that's exactly what they do. For hours.

It's  a little stilted at first. There's a lot of time between them, and it's  strange to talk around the elephant in the room. But the elephant gets  smaller the longer Jensen sits there. They've cleared up the major  stuff, and the rest is details that don't matter, not anymore.  Eventually, it's just the two of them, best friends who have somehow  fallen in love when they weren't looking, and Jensen pinches himself  once to make sure it's real.

Jared  is so different now. He's still wild, bubbling with energy that pours  out of him in his nervous gestures, his messy hair, the way he laughs  louder than anyone should at Jensen's lame jokes. But there's a peace  about him, a calm and settled feeling to his words. Like maybe he's  finally learned to love himself the way he loves everyone around him,  like maybe he knows who he is and is finally comfortable in his own  perfect skin.

Jensen  listens as Jared talks about his new home, the quiet small-town life  he's created for himself. There's none of the manic need for more that  used to be there, and he seems sincerely content.

And  yet, he's exactly the same. The warmth is there, radiating out from him  and into the parts of Jensen that always feel a little closed off, a  little detached, until they're wide open and happy about it. The feeling  of excitement at life, that anything can be and usually is something  worth celebrating.

Holy  shit, Jensen has missed him. Not just the parts of him that make Jensen  want to find the nearest drive-thru wedding chapel, but also the parts  of him that were always just Jensen's best friend, the perfect  complement to Jensen's quieter personality.

Sometime  just before sunrise, they're kissing again. And that's all it is, the  sweet, shy kisses of people who are still getting to know each other  this way, the careful kisses that don't want to be too forward but can't  seem to stop until their lips are numb and tingling.

And  again, Jensen decides he needs to leave. He needs some fresh air and  some time to sit by himself and analyze every second of the night he  just spent with Jared Padalecki.

Jared  pouts a little, but doesn't try to stop him this time. He's yawning as  he walks Jensen to the door and kisses him one last time.

“Hey, Jen?”

Jensen's knees buckle at the nickname, and the soft tone of voice, like Jared's afraid he isn't allowed to say it.

“Yeah?”

“You wanna go on a date tonight?”

“Yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read the rest RIGHT NOW (11 parts total), you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79


	5. Chapter 5

When  Jensen was a teenager, he went on a date with a girl named Lily. She  was pretty and sweet, with a bit of sass, everything a Texas homecoming  queen is supposed to be. She had this loud laugh that always made Jensen  laugh with her, even when she was across the classroom, laughing with  someone else. 

The  night of the date, Jensen almost threw up in his bathroom, wondering  why he ever thought he was worthy of Lily. He wanted to go on the date,  he really did. And not just so he could say he went on a date with her.  He liked her, the way she made sure her assignments were turned in on  time, then went on some social justice rant in the cafeteria wearing her  Nirvana shirt. And she was at every Friday night football game, in her  nice jeans and boots. She was cool underneath her Texas polish, and none  of it was fake, somehow. Jensen was enamored.

But  she was so perfect in his mind that he almost called and canceled,  almost told her he was too sick to go. His nerves twisted and clenched  and made his hands tickle and sweat.

That was the only time Jensen was ever that special brand of nervous. Until tonight.

Jared is also too perfect, and Jensen’s wondering if he should just call the whole thing off. 

The  first time, he had fallen in love with Jared so slowly that he didn’t  have anything to be nervous about. They were already sleeping together  when he realized, and then worrying about it just seemed unnecessary. 

But  now they’re going on a date. They’re starting over in a place they’ve  never been before, and Jensen feels like he needs to throw up. He’d  never cancel on Jared, though. Not for anything. 

Jensen  debates driving to the restaurant where they’ve agreed to meet, but he  isn’t sure what the night will bring, so he calls a cab instead. The LA  traffic is slow, but steady, and he gets to the little place right on  time. 

Jared’s  standing on the street, leaning against the pole of the crosswalk  light, looking at his phone. Jensen takes a couple of seconds to look at  him from inside the cab to take a few deep breaths as his heart starts  to beat a little faster. 

Jared is so fucking beautiful. 

And then it’s time to jump off the edge. 

Jared’s  face honestly lights up when he sees Jensen. He puts his phone in his  pocket, and for a moment, Jensen thinks he might reach out for a hug.  Instead, he crosses his arms and appraises Jensen, from his head down to  his shoes.

“You look good,” he smirks. “I didn’t tell you that before, but you do.”

Jensen can feel his cheeks heat up. “You don’t look terrible,” he teases, and Jared laughs.

“Come on, let’s eat. I’m starving. There’s like, no real food here, is there? How do you stand it?”

It’s Jensen’s turn to laugh. “I eat healthy. It’s why I look good.”

“If that’s the case, I don’t know if it’s worth it. I need _meat._ ”

The smell of barbecue washes over him as he steps inside the small restaurant. 

“Did you…”

Jared nods with both excitement and an air of _duh_. “I found the only barbecue joint in the city.”

It  takes them less than a minute to decide on brisket, and then Jared’s  holding out his beer for a toast. Jensen clinks their glasses together  and takes a big drink, finally letting some of the nervous energy drain  off. 

“So tell me something,” Jared says, leaning forward with mock seriousness.

Jensen mimics the movements, folding his hands on the table just inches away from Jared’s. “What’s that?”

“Admit it. You get sick of the perfect weather here.” 

Jensen glances from side to side, pretending to make sure no one’s listening. “Promise you won’t tell anyone?”

“Cross my heart.”

Jensen leans in, looks Jared straight in the eyes. “I’ve done a rain dance every night since I moved here.”

“I  knew it!” Jared laughs, leans back and pushes his legs out until one of  them rests against Jensen’s under the table. Jensen doesn’t dare move.  If Jared hasn’t realized they’re touching, Jensen doesn’t want to risk  him pulling away. 

They  chat a little about Los Angeles while they wait for their food, safe  and simple topics that provide easy small talk. It feels strange to act  like they don’t know each other the way they do, to pretend the tongues  they’re using to speak haven’t explored every inch of the other’s body.  But it gives Jensen time to think, time to stare at Jared, time to let  the warmth build up again.

They’re  quieter when the food comes. The brisket is delicious,and suddenly  they’re back in Texas, scarfing down a meal after a sweltering day on  the lake. Jensen can smell the sunburned skin and the lake water in  Jared’s hair. Those memories are from a time before they’d every  touched, when they really were just friends. But they seem so soft in  Jensen’s memory, make him ache until he wonders if he’d been in love  with Jared long before he realized. 

“That was delicious,” Jared moans, pushing his plate to the side when he can’t eat any more.

“It really was.”

“So.” Jared pushes his empty beer glass around, not meeting Jensen’s eyes like he’s nervous.

“So.”

“I’m really glad you came tonight.”

Jensen smiles. “Me, too.”

“I  wasn’t sure you would. But I’ve...I’ve been thinking about you a lot  lately. I don’t know what started it. Maybe it’s all the cons, and I  started wondering how you handled questions about me, because I still  don’t like getting questions about you. Seeing that video of you felt  like a sign, and I had to come out here. But I don’t want you to feel  obligated.”

For  all of Jared’s passion and exuberance, Jensen knows how rare it is for  him to be truly vulnerable, to talk about his real feelings. It’s sweet,  makes Jensen feel a little less nervous to see that he isn’t the only  one taking a risk. He reaches out to put a hand over Jared’s, and their  fingers twist together, like this is where they’ve wanted to be since  the last time they were here. 

“I’m really glad I came, too.”

They  sit that way for a while, and Jensen does his best to let the moment  [be.It](http://be.It)’s perfect, and he doesn’t want Jared to bring up the past. It’s  time to let it all go. 

Jared  apparently gets the message, and breaks the silence to ask more  questions about Los Angeles. As they wait for their check and finish  their beers, the conversation stays new and light, subtle flirtation  woven in here and there.

And Jared doesn’t let go of Jensen’s hand. 

“Did you drive?” Jared asks, when there’s nothing left to do but figure out their next move. 

“Cab,” Jensen says.

“Then let me drive you home.”

A  flare of disappointment flashes through Jensen’s insides, but it’s  okay. It’s good for them to take things slowly. No need to jump back  into old habits, even if it would be a hell of a lot of fun. 

“Thanks.”

Jensen  is quiet as they make their way through traffic, and Jared doesn’t try  to fill the silence. That’s another new personality trait. Jared seems  calmer, more settled, like he pays more attention and doesn’t mind that  Jensen needs to just think for a while. He cuts the engine when the make  it to their destination, then turns in his seat.

“Can we do this again?”

“Have dinner? Sure.”

Jared swallows, reaches out to take Jensen’s hand again. 

“That’s not what I meant. I meant that I’d love it if we could just skip all the beginning stuff and just _do_ this. _Us_.”

In  all his time with Jared, Jensen has never felt like an equal. He’s  always been powerless, knowing that he felt more, and that everything  about their relationship was in Jared’s hands. But now he feels good, in  control of himself, like he and Jared are finally in this together.  It’s okay for him to move as fast as he wants, to make whatever  decisions he wants to make, because Jared’s finally right here with him.

Jared’s  waiting for an answer, so Jensen kisses him. It’s not the most  comfortable, with the console between them, unable to move much in the  seats of the car, but Jensen doesn’t mind. Jared grabs his chin and  holds him there, kisses him hard, hungry enough to bite at Jensen’s  lips. Even when he stops to breathe, he doesn’t pull his lips away. He  stays right there, lips sweetly pressing soft into Jensen’s, over and  over, moving to cover Jensen’s whole face in kisses. 

“Is this actually happening?” he murmurs, grinning when he feels Jared’s lips stretch into a smile against his jaw. 

“Yes.” Jared’s tongue lingers on his skin at the end of the word. “Invite me inside.”

Jensen hesitates, his body stiffening up a bit.

“You  don’t have to,” he continues, kissing his way down Jensen’s neck. “Not  tonight, if you want to wait. But when you’re ready, I want you to  invite me inside.”

The pressure disappears from Jensen’s chest, and he grins, tilting his head back for Jared’s mouth. 

“And why is that?” he teases, wanting to hear Jared say the words. 

Jared pulls back and looks Jensen in the eye. “Because I want you. And I want you to know that I want you.”

Jensen doesn’t breathe as Jared leans back in, tugging at Jensen’s earlobe with his teeth.

“I  want to give you everything I didn’t give you before. Everything I  should have. I want to do this without holding back, without convincing  myself it doesn’t mean anything.”

It wasn’t Jensen’s plan, but there’s no resisting those words. He just simply doesn’t want to.

He wants Jared.

“Come inside,” he whispers.

Jared squeezes his eyes shut for a moment like he’s in pain, then nods.

Neither of them say a word as they get out of the car, but Jensen knows that things have never been more clear between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read the entire story RIGHT NOW (11 parts total), you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79


	6. Chapter 6

Again,  Jensen gets that nervous feeling, even though he shouldn’t. He’s had  sex with Jared before. A lot. In all kinds of places, all kinds of  positions. They’ve done _dirty_ things. As far as their bodies are  concerned, they have no secrets left. 

But this is very different, and they both know it. 

Getting  to the bedroom is a blur, full of soft kisses and small laughs as they  trip over each other. But once they’re there, Jensen’s brain snaps into  focus, and his stomach twists into a nervous ball. 

Will this be as good as it was before?

Will it be as good as the expectations they’ve built tonight?

Jared seems a little nervous too, eyes darting around, hands fidgeting as he looks around Jensen’s bedroom.

Slowly,  Jensen moves to stand right in front of him, asking a silent question,  asking for them to just blow past this awkwardness and see what happens.  

Jared  silently agrees, reaching out to run his hands down Jensen’s arms to  rest on his hips. He squeezes, gently pulling Jensen closer. This time,  the kiss is the kind Jensen remembers, hungry and wet and aggressive,  the kind that goes straight to Jensen’s dick.

Like  muscle memory, Jensen responds. He knows how to do this. He remembers  this. The dance is already choreographed- Jared’s hands on the small of  his back, his teeth pulling at Jared’s lips, their breath coming at the  same intervals.

Jensen  knows that they’ll stand here, the kisses getting more intense, until  Jared’s hard, pressing his hips forward so Jensen can feel it. Then  they’ll undress before Jared gets him on the bed. He wonders if it will  be a slow, languid undressing, a simple and efficient one, or if Jared  will get impatient and just tear. Jensen’s lost more than one shirt to  Jared’s need to have him naked right then.

But  with everything about their relationship being new, Jensen should have  been prepared for a surprise. Jared stops, pulls away, and just smiles,  soft and almost shy. 

Jensen smiles back. “We were always good at this part.”

“We were. But I told you.” Jared takes Jensen’s face in his hands. “I should have done things differently. Better.”

“Better how?” Jensen suddenly feels like the only thing in existence is this room. The two of them. 

“Like this.”

Jared  leads Jensen to the bed and gently pushes him down. He takes Jensen’s  shoes and socks off first, then kneels over him. With careful precision,  he takes Jensen’s clothes off piece by piece. As he moves, he drags his  fingers over every inch of exposed skin, tickling and teasing, tracing  freckles and curves, almost reverent in his touch. He follows that trail  with his mouth, warm and soft lips echoing the path and making Jensen  almost tremble with its sweet tenderness.

“I  love your body,” Jared grins. “Don’t think I told you that before. But  this patch of freckles right here…” He taps Jensen’s shoulder. “I love  it. And the line of your abs. All of you.”

Jensen’s  face would burst into flames if he blushed any deeper, but he stays  there under Jared’s gaze, basking in words he’d never thought he’d hear,  from the man he’d thought he’s lost. 

Jared  finishes by taking off Jensen’s underwear, but he doesn’t touch or  kiss. He stands up instead, and lets Jensen watch as he takes off his  own clothes, as he opens himself up and lets Jensen see him. 

Jensen  wants to say something back, wants to give some of what he’s getting,  but the words won’t come. It’ll have to be enough to sit up and reach  out, to pull Jared down into the bed. 

Jensen  can feel his bedroom changing. It was such a careful, Jared-free place,  but it isn’t now. Jared quickly leaves his fingerprints everywhere, and  Jensen won’t ever look at this room again without seeing the contrast  of Jared’s skin against the bed sheets, without smelling Jared’s shampoo  on a pillow that used to belong only to him. 

That’s  a scary thought. A vulnerable one. Jared’s breaking open all the places  Jensen spent so much time sealing shut. But it feels good. 

It feels right. 

Their  bodies slide together and Jensen gasps, the skin on skin sensation  taking him by surprise. Jared doesn’t seem to be in a hurry, so Jensen  kisses as much as he wants, Jared’s lips, his chin, his jaw, his neck,  shoulders, back up to his nose. Sweet kisses he wasn’t allowed to give  before.

Jared grins, his hand running over Jensen’s stomach, getting lower until he grazes against Jensen’s cock.

“Can I?” he whispers.

Jensen nods yes. The answer to that question, when it’s Jared asking, has always been yes. Will always be yes. 

As Jared kisses over Jensen’s belly button, then moves down to his thighs, Jensen wonders how he survived this long without him.

When  Jared moves closer to his hard and flushed cock, he puts all his sappy  thoughts away to be sorted through later. Right now, he just wants to  enjoy. 

Jared’s  tongue is soft as it glides over his skin, licking a line the length of  Jensen’s erection. He does it once, twice, three times, just enough for  Jensen to expect it, to lift his hips up the meet the sensation. For a  split second, Jensen’s disappointed when Jared pulls away, but it’s only  so he can get more comfortable, and his tongue over Jensen’s hole makes  Jensen forget that his cock is being neglected.

“ _Yes_ ,”  he groans, automatically, without thinking. Jared reaches up to squeeze  his hips in response, not moving his mouth away long enough to answer. 

He curls his tongue, dips and licks and thrusts and probes, while Jensen shakes, practically falls apart on his tongue. 

“ _Fuck, Jared_ ,” he moans, spreading his legs for more. 

A  low rumble vibrates out of Jared, half-chuckle and half-growl as he  keeps going, one hand moving to stroke Jensen’s cock while he fucks  Jensen’s hole with his tongue.

All too soon, Jensen’s sweating and grabbing at the sheets, his balls tightening as he gets close to the edge. 

Jared pulls away abruptly, knowing when Jensen’s had enough, not wanting this to end when they’ve just started. 

“Lube?” he asks, quietly enough not to break the mood.

“Top drawer.”

Jensen  wonders for a brief moment if Jared questions why he keeps lube, if it  bothers him. Not that Jensen owes Jared anything, and not that he’s been  celibate, but part of him wants to tell Jared that he uses it on  himself far more than he uses it with anyone else. But Jared doesn’t  show any reaction, so Jensen stays quiet, watches as Jared digs it out  of the nightstand and opens it up.

“There aren’t any condoms?” he asks.

Jensen shakes his head no. “I don’t mind.”

If  it was anyone other than Jared, a condom would be a deal breaker. But  this is Jared, someone he knows and trusts, and he doesn’t want  anything, not even a thin layer of latex, between them. 

Jared  nods, swallows hard, then slicks himself up. Jensen watches with wide  eyes. He’s forgotten how big Jared is, how beautiful, and right now he’s  flushed and hard enough for it to look almost painful. Jensen’s muscles  give a delicious clench at the sight. 

Jared  makes him wait a few more minutes, torturing Jensen with his fingers,  slowly stretching him open while Jensen begs and pleads to just do it  already. He doesn’t care about taking their time, doesn’t need the build  up, no matter how thoughtful it is. But when he looks up at Jared, he  gets it. Jared needs this. Jared needs to do all the things he didn’t do  in the past, needs to touch Jensen with more than just a great orgasm  in mind. 

With  that in his head, Jensen relaxes and allows himself to accept anything  Jared’s offering. It’s not a means to an end, not something that needs  to be done to get to the good part. Every touch is a gift, every kiss  and caress and movement is tying them back together, closer than they  ever were their first time around. 

Jensen  gets so caught up in it that he almost pouts when Jared pulls away,  crawling up the bed to hover over Jensen. He grins as he settles himself  between Jensen’s spread thighs, pleased with how far gone Jensen is. 

They  don’t speak as Jared pushes in, slow and easy, closing his eyes like  it’s too good, like it hurts. Jensen understands that. The feeling of  Jared inside him again breaks him open, shatters something, floods  Jensen with more emotion that he thinks he can handle. 

He  tries to concentrate and focus, but Jared starts to move. He pulls and  pushes, rubbing against Jensen’s prostate with every stroke, and there  are simply no coherent thoughts to be had. Jensen hangs there between  consciousness and some other plane of existence, unable to get a grip on  anything, pushing higher and higher, crying out at the overwhelming  sensation of it all. 

The  words he wants to say are right there, but when he gets close, Jared  slams into him again and they slip away, drowning in the waves of  pleasure. 

Jared  buries his head in Jensen’s neck, letting Jensen feel the full weight  of his body on top of him, and Jensen can hear him panting, growling,  just as lost as Jensen is. 

Or maybe they aren’t lost. Maybe the two of them have just found someplace new to be. 

When  Jensen starts to feel like he can’t take it, like he’ll die if this  gets any better, the pleasure crests and breaks. Without a hand on his  dick, he comes hard and loud, all over both of them. Jared groans and  shudders, finding his own release as Jensen holds tight, making it last  as long as possible. 

They  kiss for a long time afterward, ignoring the sticky mess they’ve made  as they enjoy the afterglow, the peaceful bliss they’ve created.

“We should clean up,” Jared finally murmurs.

“Let’s just go get in the shower, then go to bed.”

And just like that, Jared’s staying the night.

Just like that, the two of them are back where they belong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read the entire story RIGHT NOW (11 parts total), you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79


	7. Chapter 7

Jensen  can't stop smiling. He's smiling in and at the new pictures hanging on  the refrigerator, he's smiling in the mirror as he brushes his teeth,  he's smiling at Jared.

He's  smiling at Jared because he's still in LA, staying with Jensen for the  time being. He's smiling at Jared because he's _there_ , across the dining  room table, on the couch, in Jensen's bed.

They've  jumped quickly into things, because they can. They don't need to decide  how they feel, there are no hidden personality traits to be discovered  and analyzed first. They were inseparable for a decade and a half, and  they know all they need to. There are no secrets. They know that they  want this.

And Jensen can't stop fucking _smiling_.

“What?” Jared asks him, sitting down on the couch and handing him a beer.

“Nothing,” Jensen shrugs.

Jared grins, bemused, but doesn't say anything else as they start flipping through the channels.

“You hear from the audition yet?”

Jensen nods. “Yeah. They actually put the project on hold. Funding or something.”

Jared snorts. “I wish they'd just say it's canceled. No project put on hold ever came back and turned into a big hit.”

Jensen tilts his head to get a better view of the messy hair falling in Jared's face. “Sure. But it's fine.”

“Still, I know you wanted that one.”

“I did.” Jensen inhales to speak again, then cuts himself off.

Jared notices. “What is it?”

Jensen  takes a breath, then decides they've already come this far. Might as  well keep going. “I was just thinking that this might be a good time to  take some time off. Stop auditioning and...”

“And what?”

“And get out of LA.”

Jared lets that sink in for a moment before he answers. “And you want to get out of LA because...”

The question is there in his eyes, and Jensen can't find any doubt or fear. Just hope.

He  reaches out and twists their fingers together as he talks. “When I came  here, I needed a distraction. Someplace that didn't mean anything to  me. Or us. I don't need that now. I don't _want_ that now.”

“What do you want?”

“You.  What do _you_ want?” Jensen's barely got the words out of his mouth  before Jared's all over him, pushing him down into the couch, planting  big, smacking kisses all over his face.

Jensen laughs, wrapping his arms and legs around the big body on top of him, thanking the universe for what he's been given.

A week later, they go to Washington.

They  haven't discussed moving in together, not really, but Jensen's taking  enough of his things to stay for at least a few weeks, maybe even a  couple of months. Plenty of time for them to get away together, for  Jensen to see Jared's new home and new life, for the two of them to  figure things out.

Jared's  home is beautiful. It's in the woods outside a small town, under huge  trees that are so lush and green it feels like they've stepped back in  time, or gotten trapped in some other dimension full of wilderness.  There are birds singing instead of car horns, bright stars shining  instead of city lights.

Jensen loves it.

The  house itself is all soft wood and big windows, open and cozy at the  same time. Jensen feels instantly comfortable, instantly lucky to be  here.

And their first night there, they talk about Supernatural.

They  haven't mentioned it yet, in all their time together in the last couple  of weeks. They've danced around it a little, but it was a silent  agreement not to bring up the past, to settle into their present and  future before letting the past in.

But  to Jensen's surprise, it's easy to talk about. It starts innocently  enough, when they come across a rerun on television. Jared smiles,  watches as he drinks demon blood on screen.

“Seems like a million years ago, doesn't it?” he murmurs.

Jensen shrugs. “Sometimes. Other times, it feels like yesterday.”

“Well, this was definitely ages ago. Look how big my shoulders were.”

Jensen  laughs. “I remember. I also remember you complaining that you basically  lived at the gym, and that if you had to drink one more protein shake  or eat one more lean chicken breast, you were going to quit the show.”

“I wasn't that bad.”

“Total diva,” Jensen teases.

Jared makes a face, then turns serious. “Do you miss it?”

“Truthfully? Sure, but only half the time.”

“And the other half?”

“They other half of me is forty and has bad knees,” he grins. “It was time to let it go.”

Jared frowns. “You know what I mean. Do you...regret it?”

Jensen leans over and touches his lips to Jared's, speaking right against them. “Not for a second.”

They  kiss slowly, until Jared declares it time for bed. This time, Jensen  realizes he's leaving his memory at Jared's now, that just like his LA  apartment, this place will never be the same.

And Jared wants that.

Wants _him_.

They  talk about Supernatural again the next day. Jensen stumbles out of bed  and downstairs to the kitchen, bright with soft, early morning sunlight.  Jared's pouring orange juice.

“I had an idea,” he says, accepting Jensen's good morning kiss, but not bothering with pleasantries.

“Yeah?” Jensen asks, pulling his own glass closer and taking a long drink.

“We should do a convention. Together.”

Of  all the things Jared could have said, that's the most surprising.  Jensen doesn't even answer, just puts the glass down and stares.

“Come  on,” Jared grins. “Think about it. How much fun we used to have. How  awesome it would be to do that again. Think about how crazy it would  make the fans.”

Jensen grins at Jared's enthusiasm, but shakes his head no. “I don't know if I want to do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because  it's super public, for one thing. We just started talking again, not to  mention we are finally in a real relationship after everything that  happened. Don't you want to just enjoy that for a while?”

“We can't enjoy it on the road?”

Jensen frowns.

“Look,”  Jared says, stretching back in his chair, still relaxed and smiling.  “It's not like the show is still on. We don't have to do press or  anything, there's no crew to explain anything to. This can all still be  as private as we want it to be, just with the added bonus of traveling  and talking about the show together again.”

He  does have a point, and Jensen tilts his head as he considers it. They  always loved the traveling, seeing new cities together. And he still  loves cons as much as he ever did. Maybe it's not a terrible idea.

"I don't have anything lined up,” he says finally. “Maybe we could look around.”

“I have one two weekends from now. In Nashville. You could come with me and do a surprise panel.”

“Just like that?” Jensen asks.

Jared  shrugs. “Why not? I mean, if you want to. You can come to Nashville  with me and just hang out, or you could stay here. It was just an idea.”

But Jared's enthusiasm is as contagious as it's always been, and Jensen finds himself getting a tiny bit excited at the idea.

“And we can eat at Jack's Barbecue?”

Jared laughs. “Of course.”

“Then I'll do it.”

********

When  they get to Nashville, they've had enough time to settle into a real  routine with each other. The new-relationship nerves have worn off, and  they are just happy to be with each other, excited at the chance to do  this again.

Jared  is already “protecting” Jensen. Jensen can feel him taking the lead  talking to the staff of the hotel, getting everything set up, because he  knows that Jensen gets anxious and overwhelmed, that he doesn't have  the extroverted personality to deal with that much when he doesn't have  to.

Jensen had forgotten what that was like. What they were like.

The  first night there, they go downtown. The crowd of people ebbs and flows  like ocean waves up and down the sidewalks, overflowing into the street  here and there. The bright lights make everything look plastic and  neon, shinier and more garish than they really are. But Nashville is a  warm city, and Jensen finds himself enjoying the music floating out of  every bar they pass, the smell of delicious food, the rhythm of the  street performers.

They  take stupid pictures with an Elvis statue, stuff themselves full of  barbecue, and wander through the Johnny Cash museum for a while. They  listen to a couple of bands play a few different songs, and Jensen never  lets go of Jared's hand.

It  isn't until that night, back at the hotel with everything quiet and  dark, that Jensen starts to feel nervous. It always happens before any  convention, but this time it's worse. It's not even his convention. All  he has to do is pop on stage and answer a couple of questions for people  who will be thrilled to see him there. No photos, no autographs,  nothing. He can come back here and watch television in the privacy of  the hotel suite until Jared's ready to go.

But it's so much more than just a panel.

It  feels like an announcement. Like starting something they can't take  back afterwards. It feels important, like a moment he needs to get  right, because it will define things going forward.

Jared  doesn't seem nervous at all, because he never is about this kind of  stuff. Every now and then the crowd becomes a little draining and he'll  take a break, but he never worries about saying or doing the wrong  thing. He snores comfortably in the bed next to Jensen, and Jensen rolls  his eyes affectionately in the dark.

Trying  his best to learn from Jared, he closes his eyes and forces himself to  breathe steadily, relaxing his muscles one at a time until he finally  falls asleep.

The last thought he has is that tomorrow is going to be big, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read the entire story RIGHT NOW (11 parts total), you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79


	8. Chapter 8

Warm moisture wakes Jensen up, gently pulls him from sleep with sweet and gentle suction just at the tip of his cock, already hard and ready. Without opening his eyes, he groans and arches just a little, stretching his back lazily as Jared continues to play, to tease and kiss and lick, sending sharp jolts of pleasure through Jensen’s sleep haze. 

Jared runs his hands over Jensen’s thighs, over his lower stomach, like he’s trying to find all the spots of tension Jensen will carry today and massage them out now, like he’s trying to rid Jensen of all of his nerves. 

Jensen lets him. He sinks down into the bed and doesn’t move as Jared keeps going. He lets his legs fall apart, opens his mouth and doesn’t hold back his groans, and gives himself over. 

He comes a few minutes later, in Jared’s waiting mouth, long and slow shivers and pulses that are as relaxed as he is, leaving him with a gooey, glowing warmth in his body and no room for anything else

“Morning,” Jared grins, leaning up to kiss Jensen’s lips quickly before getting out of bed. 

Jensen only smiles and fondly shakes his head. 

“Downstairs in forty-five minutes,” Jared tells him. “I’m gonna jump in the shower. You’re welcome to join me.”

Jensen sighs. Not even Jared’s mouth and a good orgasm can make his nerves disappear. Not completely. He’s quiet as they get ready, just wondering how the day will go, readying himself for a full day of interacting with fans. 

Jared, who normally loves to talk in the morning, is quiet too. It’s a little strange. When they did this before, Jared never let Jensen’s quiet stop him from bouncing around, spreading his unfailing energy. Maybe he’s older now and has lost some of that, or maybe he’s just trying to be extra gentle with Jensen. 

Or maybe he’s a little nervous, too.

No one knows Jensen is here. Jared’s panel is this morning, and Jensen’s going to ‘crash’ it, and then if things go well, he might stop in to do  few photos and autographs as well. Or he might just come back to the room and hide. 

But just like always, when they are standing backstage waiting to be introduced, Jensen gets excited. He knows how to do this, can shift his body to autopilot and almost forget his anxiety. This is different and strange, and there’s a lot at stake, but panels are panels, and Jensen knows that he always has fun talking with the audience. 

Jared heads out on stage when he’s announced, amidst loud cheers and whistles, says hello and makes a joke about country music before he sits down and starts answering questions. Jensen listens carefully for a moment to pop out, a question about himself or his character that he can answer. 

It doesn’t take very long. The fourth question is about Dean coming back from Purgatory, and the relationship between Sam and Dean that season.

Jared starts to answer, and Jensen waits for what he knows is coming. After Jared talks about Sam, he says the magic words. “And as far as Dean goes, I think Dean-”

Jensen holds up his microphone and pushes back the curtain to come out on the stage. “I think I can probably answer that better than you can.”

He waits for a moment, one split second before the crowd realizes what’s going on, and then he laughs at the noise that erupts. It’s like they’ve never seen the two of them together before, like this is some new and novel thing instead of the norm for fourteen years. 

Jared turns and pretends to look scandalized, but it quickly turns into a smile so big it looks painful. When Jensen walks over toward him, Jared slaps his ass the way he always has, then puts his arm around him and squeezes him close, gives the crowd time to show their excitement. 

And Jensen is immediately back where he belongs. Hundreds of conventions, different cities, same enthusiasm from their incredible fans, Jared by his side. It’s a rhythm, a dance he knows well, one that has a beat very similar to his own heart. 

He’s home.

It takes a minute for the crowd to settle down, but once they do, it’s like Jared and Jensen haven’t missed a beat. They banter for a moment, put on a show, then start answering questions, teasing each other and completing each other’s sentences like they never stopped. The distance between them, not that there’s much left, closes. The gap between their old relationship and their new one disappears, and Jensen feels like something is clicking into place. He’s hit all over again with just how charmed his life is. How lucky the two of them are. 

And then they get THE question. 

“So, why haven’t you two done more cons together? We haven’t seen you together in years, which is kinda strange.”

Jared nods, ready to give the answer they agreed upon before they came, knowing they would get this question. “After the show, we both just wanted to take some time off, you know? And that led to us coming back to the con circuit kind of on individual terms instead of together. But we’re excited to be here together today.”

The answer doesn’t seem to satisfy the woman. “And what about the rumors that you two had some sort of falling out?”

Jensen’s heart thumps and his blood surges with adrenaline, the way it does when you’re caught off guard and put on the spot. They didn’t think anyone would be brave enough to come right out and say that. Jared looks over at Jensen, face still carefully smiling, eyes a little too wide.

“I mean…” he starts. “Every friendship has its ups and downs, and fourteen years is a long time to work with someone every day, as closely as we worked. I wouldn’t call taking some time to ourselves a falling out.”

That seems to do the trick, and the crowd shifts a little uneasily, ready to jump on the next question, one that hopefully won’t destroy their image of what Jared and Jensen are.

But Jensen barely hears it. 

His stomach is twisting at Jared’s words. He could have just said no, there was no falling out. He could have turned it into some joke and not answered it at all. Instead, he tried to justify it. And he used the word friendship.

Jensen knows Jared was caught off guard as well, and probably did the best he could under the pressure of the situation, but what the hell? Is that how he felt about it? Is that what he wants other people to think? And why did he feel just the tiniest bit of judgment in his voice, as if the time to themselves was Jensen’s idea and not his?

Jensen makes it through the rest of the panel, but his good mood is a little tarnished now, his doubts nagging at the back of his mind. He tries to tell himself that it’s nothing, that he’s just making something out of nothing. The end of the panel makes him feel a little better, when they get to take their bows together, and it feels like it used to once again, but it only lasts until they get off stage and Jared doesn’t have a lot to say.

“That was fun,” Jensen says, lame and a little hesitant, but not entirely a lie.

“Yeah,” Jared agrees, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. “You wanna go back up to the room? Change clothes before photo ops?”

Jensen nods, carefully, trying to judge Jared’s mood. “Sure.”

In the elevator, Jensen can’t take the silence. “You okay? I know that question was a little-”

“I’m fine,” Jared tells him. “I probably could have answered it better, and it threw me off, but. You know.”

Jensen feels a tiny bit relieved that Jared seems to be feeling the same awkwardness. It just needs time to wear off. 

And it will wear off, he tells himself. 

Still, he watches Jared closely when they get back to their room, tries to figure out if he’s allowed to talk about it, if Jared needs time, or if something more is going on.

Jared throws his phone and wallet down on the table and grabs his change of clothes, then heads into the bathroom. Jensen can see him through the open door, running his hands through his hair and smoothing it down before starting to change. 

When Jared’s phone beeps with a text, it seems only normal for him to shout from the bathroom “Will you check that for me?”

And it’s only natural for Jensen to pick up Jared’s phone and read the notification.

“It’s your manager,” Jensen says, speaking the words before he reads the text.

_I told you the panel would be a hit! You have to learn to trust me. And now that you’ve got him doing panels, you should bring up doing a movie. Think of all the $$$!_

Jared grabs the phone out of Jensen’s hand, and Jensen jumps, not even realizing that Jared had come out of the bathroom.

Everything inside Jensen shatters as he puts it all together, and one look at Jared’s guilty face tells him he’s right. 

“That’s what this was all about? Getting me working again so you could make more money off Supernatural?”

Jared’s already shaking his head no. “It wasn’t like that. I can explain all of this, Jensen.”

“I’m sure you can.” Another thought sends another wave of nausea through him. “That’s the whole reason you were at that party, the whole reason you were in LA. None of this was...this was all just to get me back.”

“Of course not!”

“Then explain.” Jensen leans back, anger and pain pulsing through him, and watches Jared as he looks anywhere but at Jensen. 

“You know Greg. He’s always on me about that kind of shit, always has been. It’s what makes him good. I told him I was coming out to LA, and he nagged me about getting you to do a con, but only after we were back together. And that’s not even why I wanted you here.”

“Why did you?” Jensen isn’t sure he believes any of it. Not after what happened last time. 

“Because I do! Because I’ve missed you. Because I want to be with you.”

Jensen stands up, knowing that he’s too upset to hear anything Jared’s saying, even if it’s the truth. “You have photo ops to do.”

“And what about you?”

“I need some air.  I’ll find you later tonight.”

Jensen grabs his own phone and wallet, and Jared doesn’t try to stop him as he leaves. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will update every Monday! But if you'd like to read the entire story RIGHT NOW (11 parts total), you can check out my Patreon!
> 
> https://www.patreon.com/ilostmyshoe79

**Author's Note:**

> I will update every Monday! 
> 
> Want to read more right now? Check out my Tumblr to see how you can read the first SEVEN parts RIGHT NOW, with more coming soon! XOXO
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